PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
