i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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