I accidentally burped into my bong.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
