are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
