It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
