no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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