I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
