I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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