someone owes me an orgasm
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
