and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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