i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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