Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
