He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
