On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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