You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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