the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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