Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
