It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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