Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
