We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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