Whod you bang
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
