You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
