his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
