Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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