someone threw a dead crab at me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize