Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
