At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
