two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
