We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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