Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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