i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
