I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Randomize
