She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
