Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
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Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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