You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
