I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
