So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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