I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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