Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
