She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
