I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You ruined the universe
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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