I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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