i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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