so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
