Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
