I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
