awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
