found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
