Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
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There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.