Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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