He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize