8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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