Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
