I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
