I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
