John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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