i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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