Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
